When I first started my blog, I think I mentioned something about adding some of my recipes, since I just posted this recipe on the Devo Facebook page I will share with you. I did after all make this cake myself, and I would never steer anyone wrong with my dishes. I hope you all enjoy if you happen to partake in this spicy journey. I will say if you have ever had the Spicy Mayan from Chuao Chocolatier you will love this cake!
Chocolate on Fire Cake with a Espresso Balsamic Sauce
2 Cups Sugar
2 Eggs
1 Cup Milk
2 Cups Flour
3/4 Cup Cocoa
1/2 Tablespoon Cayenne
1/2 tsp Salt
1 tsp Baking powder
2 tsp Baking Soda
1/2 Cup Natural Butter EVOO
1 Cup Coffee
Optional: Powder Sugar and Cinnamon
Balsamic Sauce:
1 Cup Espresso Balsamic
3 Tb Sugar
Directions:
Mix Sugar with eggs, then add milk. Mix flour, Cocoa, Cayenne, Salt, Baking Powder, and Baking Soda, together. Add wet mixture. Mix Oil and Coffee together and add to other ingredients. Pour in a 13x9 inch pan that is greased and floured. Bake at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes.
For the Balsamic Sauce:
Put both ingredients in a sauce pan and Slowly bring to a boil stirring frequently, then simmer stirring occasionally until reduced by 1/4th.
Once cake is out of the oven you can sprinkle with powder sugar and cinnamon and drizzle with Balsamic Sauce.
You can also make this into cupcakes and squeaze in the Balsamic in the middle to make a volcanic cupcake. :) Enjoy!!!
Let me just say it's hard not having internet. I find it hard to pretty much do anything. It's amazing how dependent you can be on something so "new". But that doesn't stop this girl. Though it has been a long time since my last blog, and as dark and depressing as it was, I am glad to be out of that place; mentally at least.
In less then two weeks I will be approaching my 25th birthday, and I am scared shitless. Why, I'm only turning another year older. I've already gone through my "quarter-life-crisis", so this shouldn't be that bad. But in reality, I haven't gotten where I've wanted to be, expect being married :) Now is my time to make those adult decisions and get myself out of this place that is causing my insanity.
While turning 25 may scare me, let me give you the top 10 things that have shaped me over the years. I was going to do 25 but that would have taken for ever....
10. My Aunt Jean
You never know what you missed until it's really gone, and after reading her memoirs she gave me so much hope for my life. She lead a very good life, one I hope I can live as well.
9. Buffy The Vampire Slayer
I can honestly say there is no other show like it. Joss Wheldon is a genius. I grew up with this show like many others did. I learned about life, love, how to live in the moment, and how to save the world... a lot. Not only did this show open my mind to being gay, but the fact that it didn't matter. Willow was the same character I loved from the beginning, she just like girls. And I commend the Buffy crew for sticking through 7 seasons and still keeping us on our toes.
8. Myself
It's hard getting to know yourself when your still trying to learn about the world. I can't say that I'm there yet, but I am pretty happy with where my life is taking me. I know that one day I will reach my dreams, until that day, this is me.
7. Words
Words are a vital part of our world. And it is my honor to have the ability to manipulate them just so that they make amazing art. I write to ease my mind, free my soul, give hope, and understanding to others.
6. Rosie O'Donnell
If my mom had never read her book, I probably wouldn't have come to conclusions that I have. While reading the book, my mother tells me she could see me in a lesbian relationship. From that moment, I pondered the idea, it wasn't until one amazing night after a party (actually it was Queer Prom in Denver '06) that I came out as being a lesbian. Not a few months later did I go back into closet while moving to Branson, MO, only to find myself unhappy. A year later I came out and the next year this happened:
Since then I'm proud to be gay, a married gay at that.
5. My friends
Calvin, if it wasn't for him, I'd have no fashion what so ever. I'd still be wearing Over-alls and have horrible hair. Even though our paths have winded away from each other a time or two, he is my adopted brother. And if anyone could be my gay male side, it's him.
Priscilla, one of my rocks since High School one of the many people who have helped me past my demons and introducing me to the love of my life.
4. Religion
My faith and spirituality can not be defined by just one religion, nor could I rule out science in my beliefs. It is one of the driving forces in my life that I can never turn away from. I may consider myself Christian and also Paganism but I am not bound by any branch but my own beliefs.
3. Food
Cooking has become the one thing that can keep my busy enough that everything else melts away. Not only do I love to eat different things, but I love learning new tricks of the trade. I find cooking for myself a bore, but cooking for others is amazing!
2. Music
Music is the one constant in my life. I remember being a little girl dancing around in my room singing as loud as can be. I was in choir until I graduated High School, and since then I've lent my voice to many karaoke tunes. The group I could never get enough of is The Cranberries, and I along with multiple fans will wait patiently while they record their new album and if they go on tour in the states, I will be there in crowd singing along with every single song.
1b. Ronda
She is the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with, my best friend, my partner in crime, my rock, my number one fan. Without her, this world would be empty. And while the first 8 months of our marriage has been tough, she is still the one I want. I love you!
1a. The rest of my family
Though we may be small, we are still one heck of a family. I thank my mother everyday, for the life she has given me. It may not have been perfect, but it was the way fate had it.
When finding emptiness, just when you think you've lost it, it slaps you right when you least expect it. I wasn't really looking for it, it found me. It stole everything from me. My life, my purpose, and my reason. So why did it choose now. Now is clearly not the time. Of course, it doesn't care, just like you or I don't care for it. So why now? I have everything, a wife, a family, many friends, a job, a roof over my head, so why does emptiness feel like this is the right time. I ask it so many times, most times it does not reply. But today, today was the day it looked me dead in the eye and said:
'For a child to know their true existence, they must first go through the trials of utter bliss and sadness. Having everything you could possible know, every fiber of life, all hopes and dreams, shattered in a simple moment. When you are left as naked as you were the day you were born. Only this time, your standing there for everyone to see. The whole world will stop and ponder why your shell, why your being is in their life. You can't live your life with a mask on, you can't pretend what they want of you. You have to live your life to set that example so they know, so they can understand who you are to them. Because in the end, I appear. I walk in valiantly, sweeping you away to a world where the only thing that exists is you and the voices we keep locked inside your head. Thats not silence you hear, it's us. Implanting the seed of self doubt and humiliation.'
With that moment I knew, just as I know now, it is nothing but a curse that wrecks havoc on our mind, body, and soul. That, when the time is right, we are left a victim of our own insecurities. Beaten and battered into it's submission. It's not the devil, it's not someone else's doing, it's our own inner battle. For some, that battle is so strong inside, reality becomes part of the person that we once knew. For others, like myself, have thrown in the towel. I have called a truce. Neither shall win. Neither shall lose.
So how do we get back to what should be? How do we fill that battle ground that is nothing but an empty void inside our essence? Your asking the wrong questions.
What do I love? What keeps you from staying in the darkness to long? What is the most important thing you believe in?
It's when you can answer that, with only hearing your own voice, have you become re-born into the person you were meant to be. All of that emptiness has been driven away into a world neither you or I shall have see. Because that world, is more horrifying then one that houses our own purgatory.
This time last week, I was sad and lonely. Valentines Day was going to come and go and I wasn't anywhere where I want to be. I had no ambitions, no drive, and no muse. Still stuck in the same place with little to no hope of getting out. Don't get me wrong, I like Branson and all, it's just not where I would raise a family and I'm pretty much convinced it has tried to brain wash me.
Monday was a very long day, I worked till 9 that night, had to stop at Walmart for a few things and came home to find a box with 12 roses and vase. Though I'm not a huge fan of roses, it was the fact of who and how they got there that made me love them even more. My wife is one of 3 people who has ever given me roses. (The others being my mother and one of my High School boyfriends). Tuesday came just like any other day, but as I arrived back into Branson I had this strange yet familiar feeling, something told me that my life would be changing and I would be back to normal. I couldn't tell if it was the weather (it was 60 degrees outside), or if something really good was going to be coming my way. Either way, I enjoyed it. That night I got the best news of all!! My wife was coming down to see me. She was leaving early Wednesday morning and would be here by the time I got off work. That made my day, my night, my week in fact. I missed her desperately, she'd only be here till Friday, but I still got to see her. Even if I did have to work most of the day on Thursday. I still got to spend time with her. It had been right before Halloween since I had seen her last. With all that had happened in the last four months it was more then needed. I had almost forgotten what it was like to kiss her, to hold her, and to feel her with me.
On her way down she posed the idea of possibly moving to Omaha, NE instead of going to South Dakota. Her mother that previous week had told her she was going to do what ever it took to make sure I didn't get a job up there, and to be honest with you.. who the fuck would purposely move to South Dakota aside from that crazy woman. I grew up in Nebraska, so the idea of moving back wasn't something I had really taken much thought into to. After all hadn't I moved back. The whole point of me moving away was so I didn't end up like everyone else I had gone to school with. But I guess, now that I think about it, I wouldn't be like them. I've seen a different side mid-west that not everyone else has seen. I've seen homeless people dead on the side of the street, I've been poor enough that I've gone to bed starving. I've been subject to discrimination at it's finest, and the friends I've met along the way.
After much discussing, a lot of pondering, coming up with pro's and con's, we decided to go with it. There was nothing that was keeping us from doing it, except for our marriage not being recognized by the state, that gives me an idea. ;)
So what now for me and my tiny little family. Nothing. I'm going to keep working and hopefully save some money so that by the time my lease is up here at the Vineyards, I will be moving to Omaha. This is a move that is set in stone. I know it with every bone in my body.
One of the main reasons we are moving to Nebraska is because of family. My mother especially. As the cancer continues to rape her of her bones and slowly take over her mind, I know the end is near. Already are we talking about the "when it does' and the Living Will. I've spent the last few years pushing it out of my mind, and ignoring the situation, now it's time to man up. My mother is dying. I can't save her from this one. As much as I would like to. To be honest with you, I'm really tired of having the same conversation about why I should stay in Branson and that I have such a good job why should I leave it. "Why can't she move back there " she says. Every time, I swear. This last time hurt me the most when she said I'd be at her funeral just like she was at my wedding. I felt like my mom and just told me that she was disowning me. What did that little comment teach me? She's sick. The woman that raised me would have never said that to me. And as her time draws closer and closer to the end, Nebraska is where my support system is. My Best friend Derek, who is more then friend, but almost like a brother. He was at my wedding just like one day I plan on being at his. He was one of the few people that helped me through my depression in college and spent my 21st birthday with me and helped me through my depression down here.
I'm also excited about the LGBT and Pagan communities that will be there. Branson has neither. No pride parade, no gay bar, nothing. With as many of us as there is, you would think there would be. One day. Well, actually, everyday in Branson is gay pride day, none of those tourist realize it when we're on the stages prancing around and singing. Which is sad, it's the only time someone even notices most of them and it's the only place we are able to do that.
Did I mention, I will no longer be living in the bible belt. !!!!!! I'm tired of having bible thumping Christians shove their views down my throat. Yes, okay, I get it. You believe in God, Jesus, and that I'm going to hell. But let me give you a piece of advice. THATS WHAT YOU BELIEVE!!!!! My God is the same as your God. It's just a matter of how we perceive him. Oh and by the way, I believe in the Goddess too. But you wouldn't know anything about that. It's not like Virgin Mary is compared to have "Goddess-like" qualities. And just between you and me, before you shout your religious bull shit my direction, do your fucking research, and stop shoving your views on me. Because I don't shove them on you!
Woo, sorry about that.
As my night comes to a close, I want to share a new site that both my wife and I have joined. Ronda has been on it for the last few months now and has lost over 40lbs! I couldn't be any more proud of her for doing it. It's a great place for the person who has no desire to be on any crazy fad diet. You are given tasks to do that relatively simple. You journal about your experiences whether it be food wise or just in general. Your also given the option to have an expert help you with your weight-loss plan ( a meager 20 bucks a month), at the same time, your able to join groups who end up being your own personal Cheer leading squad, giving you motivation, words of encouragement, or just a friendly hello. Of course, you can input what you eaten, your amount of excersize, you mood, stress level, and how much water you've drunk. Want to know what the site is called? iChange.com. Check it out, watch the weight fall off one by one. If you want to keep track of what I've done so far, at the bottom of the page is my weight loss so far. It's the thing with the monkey and flowers.
Till next time....
If only everything life was as simple as that. Everything the same. But thats not how we were made now is it. Just like every recipe. You could be making Sugar cookies you look through your cook books or online, and you can find several recipes stating it's the "Best Sugar Cookie Recipe", or the "Original Sugar Cookie". And though you've made them several times, the cookies you made last week might have a different temperature or baking time from the ones your making now. Almost goes to show, that not everything is created equal. I myself have come to terms with the idea, that even though in my minds eye I believe I'm this great person, when in reality I'm no different then Joe Blow over there.. but I am. I'm as different as I was yesterday as I will be tomorrow. Always changing. Almost like my cookies. Even thought I could use the same recipe, every time it might be a little different. One flavor might be more pronounced then it was last time. And they might go a little faster.
It seems to me that there is a lesson to be learned here... Maybe that in reality everything is perfect because we are unique. I myself, take pride in not being your average person. I break all the rules that life throws my way. And no one tells me something I can't do. It just gives me a reason to do it.
Now laugh at me what you will, but one of my many hero's is Lady Gaga, she, to me, is the essence of being unique, and though many people are bored with her (that just means they have gotten use to her), she is still pushing the limits, and bringing back creativity into the entertainment business. As well as giving a voice to those of us who need a voice a little louder then our own. On the eve of her new single I leave you with one of my favorite videos, one that I'm sure you have all seen many a time, but I just want to take a moment to relive one of the many moments when I knew something I wanted to accomplish in my life. A music video showing off the creative mind and talent that my life holds...
Though I'm still unsure about my life and the master plan that is behind it. I know that it doesn't involve me denying who I am, or having someone tell me who I should be. I just know, if I think about it to much, whether it be God, the meaning of life, heaven, hell, science, or history, what I do or who I choose do it with has no effect on what you do. It is my own conscience decision. There is no voice or person who can bring me down into their hell. We create "hell" for ourselves. We already have enough to worry about, then to worry about someone else's life. However, we learn not just by our mistakes, but by others mistakes. And in return, it is our triumph that will give us hope and others hope; breaking the cycle of evil. We may not be left with the whole story but at least we can make it feel just a little be grander. Good Night Everyone!
Nothing is more nerve racking then heavy snow falling while driving on a road that is already packed with ice and snow. Talk about an adventure. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't live in an area that doesn't really care about cleaning off the roads. Makes me miss living in the 'real' Midwest. At least they clean the roads. But I'm fine with only have winter two months out of the year. I've been spoiled down in Missouri. Next winter will be a real treat living in South Dakota. At least I'll have someone else to keep me warm.
Over the last three days, I've had alot of time to really think about my life and the things that are true and have truth to me. One of the most important of them being the ability to love unconditionally. Regardless of what we ourselves believe, what others believe, what they look like, who they are. I know for many this isn't a new concept, its almost one of those unwritten rules that we follow regardless.. or do we? What stemmed this idea was watching my cat. I could be yelling at him one minute, but the next, he's siting right next to me on the couch, begging me to pet him. It doesn't matter what's going on, he see's me as the one who feeds him, gives him water, shelter, I play with him. And I always have time to cuddle. Just like with most pets, they are always there to greet you at the door, next to you when your sleeping, and by far the best form of entertainment. For some, they are just an addition to the family.
I admit, I'm envious of my cat. To live his life, to not have a care in the world. I have everything taken care of, how ever, I'm not sure about having to depend on some one else to make sure it all gets done. I love having some sort of control. But who says our animals don't have control over us? In most, cat/human relationships, cat rule all. I have to say for an animal who sleeps during 80% of their day, they sure are bossy. I can't go into the kitchen, or do dishes with out Mr. Ollie at my feet meowing. 9 out of 10 times asking for a treat.
In the end, though I love my cat and would love to have is sort of life, I wouldn't imagine missing out on the wonders that we as humans create. I only hope that maybe in a next life I'll get to be a cat. Who know's maybe we'll get to be litter mates :)
